09 March 2013

new awakenings and old stings...

I think I'm finally "over" WoW as a primary addiction. Every time I go back for any length of time I find myself so irritated by /trade and so frustrated by the interpersonal myopia that I am more and more easily distracted and find myself taking any excuse to be offline.

It could be the guild feeling alien and awkward... and it is likely not so much that as it is that I feel like I'm not the best fit for the guild that I like the best. I want a strong leadership style that is proactive and strong in our guidance... this is not that guild. Two of the officers weren't even at the last guild officer meeting because we thought it was going to be on one night and didn't even check to see that it was a different night this time. I am included in that.

For the first time in years I'm experiencing what it must feel like to be a casual player that is often left out of content or experiences by my more experienced and tight-knit brothers and sisters. I haven't actually been a part of this group since Decadence, Inc. was in the process of being gutted by Ominous Latin Noun.

I was less knowledgeable and this extended to my being naive of sites where I could become more knowledgeable about the things I wanted to do and didn't understand. Lexi finally took pity on me and led me through some dungeons with attention to detail as if they were raids and I took help from a really fantastic fury warrior who was on my server AND willing to help a total newb and between them I managed to build the foundation for what it would take to raid and do the things I wanted to do.

And I ran with it. I've never been an epic class raider, either... always somewhere in the smaller guild beating our head against the content level of raiding... and I've been happy there. Friends from the game repeatedly tell me that they loved my laid back attitude to learning curves, and my ability to teach on the fly for people who were excellent at what they did and just new to the content.

And now I find myself sitting in a place where the type of struggle is no longer fun to me... the challenge of the grind is defeating and the reward for the work is hollow. I love the raiding and I detest what I have to take or do to get to it.

I say this and I've just made a new friend on my server, a warlock kicking serious ass who is also friendly and willing to help. And I currently have up on my browser in separate windows WoW Heroes, Icy Veins and the Wiki about a new little island where there are fun pets and things to be gotten.

Because everyone in the guild went and got their new pets and went to find their new funness and started their grind at the Isle of Giants and I wasn't there so I wasn't included.

Now, I wasn't around for my own reasons and they have a lot to do with my original statement here... I'm burned. And really, it's not burned it's just disinterested. The way I got with Rift once the high of everyone working together was done. Ask 100 times in the guild chat if anyone would like to do anything and 1/2 of them are noncommental entirely and of the rest you'll get "in an hour" and "I already did it" and "I'm not up to doing something like that" and perhaps a single yes, if you're lucky.

One person at a time we're "remaking the guild" but not really working together as a management or leadership group to accomplish anything. We're building a casual/raiding guild (you can see any number of posts through my history about what I think of those terms together) without any real consideration to what we're doing. Optimism rules until it is guided only blindly and without concern to what it is you're undertaking.

And who cares? The old sting of knowing that I'm almost done with this thing and not ready to be done with the people is beginning to become familiar, like the hurt in my hips when I wake up and the hesitance of being overweight and wearing ill-fitting clothes to a job interview. Familiar like so many uncomfortable things in my life that I live with rather than change.

And so really all this and so many words to say the same thing I said before... once this is settled and we're all done rerouting the guild I'll take a look around myself and see if the new energy is enough to sustain me for a few more months or if I'm really done with WoW for awhile. And if I'm done with WoW will the guild allow me to share the experiences of ESO with them or would they rather that was done separately? And if they'd rather it was done separately do I pull my toons from the guild and leave them parked on Baelgun until the next time I feel like playing and then move them to the new server to join the newest member of their family?

I have no idea what shape what comes next will take, and I know what comes next... sadly.


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