27 November 2012

oh what a tangled web we weave...

so tired.

Kilijan is 10 bubbles from 90.

The PLAN as it stands right now is to gear her and start the process of leveling up Sigvorth next.

Then I will have a healer and a ranged caster.

And then I can look back at the warriors and decide what I want to do with them. I can also take a look at leveling Holle, a new little frost mage.

According to noxxic.com I have accidentally chosen the highest DPS classes except for my monks.

Almost in order.

Frost Mage (Holle... just born and not even leveled out of the starting grounds yet)
Affliction Warlock (Kilijan... almost 90 and almost geared for heroics already)
Fury Warrior (Allumette... 87.95 and just finally getting back on track for leveling)
Arcane Mage
Fire Mage


So why do I feel beat up?  Regardless of how many ways I warn against it, no matter how many examples I give and no matter what I try to explain... the GM of Renaissance has his own way of things and anything that does not agree is wrong. Period. There is no second thought given, no consideration and no quarter.

Renaissance is a social leveling guild. We have so many people who do not ever fully explore their class/spec combinations and instead grind up towards the top and then wander about doing the things that interest them. In a social leveling guild this is beautiful. Perfect. This is how it should be.

A number of the hardcore guys have come back to the guild after a year or two away. They are flying towards the top through the content that the other half of the guild loves and are preparing for raiding. Any observation of the danger of forming a tight knit little group of favorites is ignored. They're doing what they want to do and that's what you're supposed to do in a game.

And I am continuing to resist the urge. Within reason, of course. I AM leveling the warlock and I AM planning on gearing her and spec'ing her for raiding.

So Jake asks me why I'm not going to raid lead and I say that I don't think it would be appropriate. I encouraged him when he said that he has already put his name in for raid leader and I support him and will continue to support him. He's "raid led" for a few of our lesser trained guildies already in the old expansion.

I wont because there have been 100 examples of times when I have tried to have a conversation with our GM and he has shut me down, ignored me, refused to understand me and otherwise has made it clear that he is in that 75% of the world who just does not bother to listen before they make a decision. He is filtering for words that suit his point of view and then leaping head first forward with it.

Why do I stay? I love him. He's a dork and a wonderful guy. He's also a self-centered prick. "How can you say that about someone who gives so much of his time to the guild and to the other players?" Easily. WHY is he doing it? As sad as it sounds, I admire him. I disagree with him sometimes to the point of blind rage, and still... I'm the one who backs down. I think he's wrong as often as he's right and still, he has his way. He is not hurtful, he is not vengeful (well... I could give an example to the contrary and I wont because I really do like him) and he is absolutely dedicated to the success of our guild and the people in it, even if they are NOT just like him.

And because of the many times that he has said "Calm down, you're freaking out, woman," when I was not even the least bit worked up, or "You get all worked up about silly things, girl," when I was asking for help and had to explain to three or four different people what I needed before I found one who would understand I will not be raid leading. People believe what they hear... not what they can prove for themselves.

Sincerely, and again... I point out that I like the bastard... on the down side of having a leader who is sort of... well... his own sort of guy... I'm entirely sure he would argue with me about this and then his actions would speak more loudly than words... I don't believe he would be able to raid under my leadership because he believes what he is saying and perceives me (and possibly most women) as weaker and sentimental and would prefer be in charge himself.

I might be wrong. I'd still rather not be in charge. I'll decide as we go whether even my input has any weight. I don't believe it ultimately does.

I'm saying something they don't want to hear.

Some players in social leveling guilds can learn and become exceptional raiders in that supportive and nurturing environment. Belegorad and Julienne did it. In fact, the first tolling of the death bells for Decadence, Inc. was the introduction of a bunch of folks who wanted to raid and were learning from within the guild to a group of guys who had just landed on the server and were building a raiding guild. They gutted the guild on the way out and created a lot of hard feelings within the guild.

Other players will never be good raiders. They don't have the dedication to a small sector of the game to pull it off. It is all numbers. There can be only one on top. The constant competition and ranking and dedication to being better than everyone else in the group is just something they will never learn or master.

I'm not sure that's a bad thing. It has taken me a year to stop looking at my gear every time I get a new piece and making sure it's absolutely the best in slot for my spec and rotation etc... And I still do it. In Rift, in WoW... even playing single player games I'm constantly watching my DPS and making sure that I'm as efficient and effective as possible.

I miss the days when I was so new and so naive that I could race up the docks at Darkshore and attack a horde player using our boats to get to Teldrassil and actually expect a result. (For the record, there was one. My level 15 warrior was dead without being hit... he had mage armor or some other magical armor effect up and Julienne died to the damage that it did in a single shot.)  I miss being such a newb to the way that things are supposed to be on a PvP server that I got warrior pvp training by sitting side by side on a hill overlooking live duels between the two factions and watching them talk before Blizzard took away the cheat we were using to communicate. I miss the pie eyed girl who leveled side by side with a tauren hunter in the Arathi Highlands because our different quests sent us after creatures that were side by side in the terrain. We worked hard not to use AoE and he kept his pet on passive and we played having a very good time for over an hour before he was murdered by an Alliance player who was disgusted by our little transgressions. A tauren warrior once harassed an Alliance base and then stripped naked and gave me lessons in PvP between times when he would put his armor back on and kill all the guards again. He didn't even try to kill me. He was more interested in teaching me how to kill him because he loves warriors and wants them all to be superior.

Those experiences were possible because I didn't know there were more than my sort of player in the game. I thought we were all just having an awesome time being blown away by all the amazing things to do and see and experience in the game. I wasn't aware that the PvP heads hated the Raiders and I didn't know that some guilds would kick you out for not being absolutely the best fury warrior in the game. I had no idea that your only value in the game is to be part of an elite little group that has set themselves apart and against the other little elite groups in a silent and obvious competition. I was in a loving and supportive and educational family of people who were enjoying my enjoyment and exploration of the game they loved.

And raiding kicked that in the ass and sent it to the corner for being bad.

Checking my rankings in the guild to be sure I might be high enough to get the upgrade on the loots that drops and being very aware before I rolled that I would never get it because I just wasn't showing the right output for my potential and my points showed it. Logging into a guild web site to see if I made the 10 or 25 man raid this week, not because I wanted to know what we were doing as a group or see the fun and creative stuff my guildies posted. Being so aware of my gear and DPS that recount is open on my screen even when I'm questing and feeling my frustration rise when I cannot get my DPS to come up to what I'm expecting it should be.

I have finally gotten to a place where I can, with difficulty, just equip a piece of gear and NOT check whether it increased my overall DPS. I turned off my experience bars and just played for the sake of playing because I was tired of feeling like I was in a race to some almost unobtainable goal at the top. I want to be the best that I can be, and that is different from the best that someone else can be.

And now I'm going to gear Kilijan and I know without checking that she only needs 4 points of item level to be able to queue for heroic dungeons and that she still needs 5,000 more spell power and a real lot more spell hit to be even bottom 5 of 10 competitive in the DPS meters against players like Okeret and Boreas and Anpu. I know this because I'm competitive by nature, not because I particularly care whether I'm beating them.

I'm totally OK to let them be in charge and resist being the leader because some part of me admires the totally social players in our guild who are happy in their quest greens exploring a continent that I have not even seen 1/2 of at 89.5 and well on my way to 90. I'll get me ready, and I'll have what I need and my investment will be about having fun and when it isn't fun I'll quit doing what isn't fun. I love and enjoy the people in our guild who are part of the family and who are just playing to enjoy what it is that they get from the game. I will always have them to hang out with and there is always /LFR to piss me off and drive me nuts and there will always be /Trade where I can LFM or 510 Aflic Warlock LFG.

Julienne is only 50.25 in Rift... and I'd like to see some more. In Rift I can be that casual social player who is just trying to keep her character alive and still see 100% of every map before she moves on.

peace... and if not peaceful then remember... the sha rises where there is strong emotion without balance. know what you're fighting for before you rise to the challenge or you just might break the balance and pay the consequences.

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