15 May 2011

why do I play?

lets start with what I'm looking for

escape from a world where I don't make my choices based on what I want and instead am required to decide based on what others want first

an interactive place full of people that I'm allowed to take or leave at my own discression and not based on some social or fiscal expectation or responsibility

a challenge that has only minor penalties should I fail to be as clever or quick or successful as others are at the same challenge

a group of likeminded people who also enjoy playing and being and sometimes helping and other times pointing to where the help might be and who also understand that not everyone wants the same things

I'm not getting this in Decadence, Inc. on either server right now.
I'm flatly avoiding WoW because I feel beholden and as if the expectations are so far greater than myself that anything I might choose leads me to more drama and personal life trauma than I can deal with and so I just don't go.

I do not want to be in a place where I am having to constantly give up what I want to do so that I can go make sure my gear is the best, my professions are the best or my damage output is the best just to keep my place in the group just to do something I might enjoy or want to experience. This is why I'm playing Rift and not on WoW, that Julienne is raid ready and I got totally fed up with the constant gear requirements and damage requirements and constant badmouthing and bullshit that came with going and doing the coolest thing I've ever undertaken. I may never go back to it again because the only way to avoid having that pressure is to build your OWN raid groups and then you have a whole new set of pressures and bullshit to deal with that are all equally frustrating and less rewarding.

I'm a very hollistic player. I'm also better than the average and not as good as the best players in any game I play and I'm frankly ok with that. What I don't understand is why OTHERS can't be ok with that. I will always gravitate naturally towards the next challenge all the way up and out through the endgame content... at least until I perceive (at least right now) that the next level includes all the horrid bullshit that I don't want, and then I'll retract away and level another character or find something else to play and do.

I'm in self-preservation mode in my fucking hobby, guys... and you're putting me there.

Every "Hey, it's good to see you. I've really been needing your help with..." is a weight or pressure on me that I just don't want or even understand.

See, while you're making lists of things you need my help with I'm out finding ways to accomplish them alone because you weren't ready for them and I didn't want to wait. I've built more PUG groups than most people I know have even been members of. I've been patient and trained and done research and taken notes and watched videos and worked all week to put together potions and foods and buffs and all the required elements for a raid only to have you be too busy to show up and had to PUG 8 out of 10 slots because you told me you wanted it and then didn't show up. I've also spent real world money to go and get what I wanted when I wanted it and dealt with the constant QQ in my mail and in my email and in the real world because I was holding you back by not being with you when in all honesty if you wanted it you would have gone and gotten it without me because that's what I was doing anyway.

I'm in a crisis of mind and spirit right now because I'm not really feeling like what I want can be gotten where I am. Not in World of Warcraft and not in Rift. Decadence Inc. is becomming an albatross of self-minded people who believe they are giving and helpful and are really only open minded to the ideas of those things and in practice are still very self-centered. "I'll help anyone any time... so long as what they're working on is something I want to work on." This has become the message of the day.

I don't give a personal fuck whether you're interested in my instance or a particular puzzle or achievement or in leveling with me or not. I have gotten very used to doing things with myself for myself and this game has not been so challenging that I could not accomplish what I wanted with some work and dedication no matter what it is I've undertaken, so I don't really need you anyway... I just desired your company or feedback and I'll very happily go and find the people who are, and in return for that I'd like the freedom to say "No" when I also have no interest in what you're undertaking.

What I won't do is build a list of things I cannot accomplish without you and leave you feeling beholden or pressured to rise to my expectation or stop what you're doing and help me out.

Just a long verbose way of saying I feel like maybe I've outgrown Decadence Inc. or that I'm just in a place where I can't find the positive to me for the negative in me to outweigh. Both sides of our guild are floundering... and if the message is really "I'm doing this to have fun and if what you want to do interests and benefits me then I'll come do it with you" then I think I need to move on, because the guild I joined all those years ago has been missing or quiet or sleeping or dead for a lot longer than it was active and joyous for me anyway and I'm just not selfish enough yet to feel like I fit in with that mindset, nor do I desire for that mindset to become mine out of practice.

I think we need a meeting. On both servers.

1 comment:

  1. and the sad thing is... we had a meeting, and things have only gotten more screwy. Granted, I've been online for a grand total of about 3 hours in the last 2 weeks now.