Bhierre, Giddean, Tempestaari and Quizzix have all found their way back into the ether.
The two that ached the most were of course the two that I've tried for so many years to grow and just have failed miserably to grow to any recognizable successes.
Bhierre, my secsy little bear druid was really made to level with Belegorad's little priest and when he quit playing I lost all interest in struggling to keep learning to tank on her. At level 48 she'd gained more than 1/2 of her levels in pursuit of different holiday achievements and I felt overwhelmed by tanking and feral dps was still a mystery for the first thirty minutes any time I ran her so that I felt like I just wasn't understanding her. She was just over 2 years of commitment, account bound armor and holiday gifts, treats and clothes. Sikko will hold on to her heirlooms and perhaps one day she will be recalled from the ether and remade.
Giddean was the third character I ever created, she's two months younger than Julienne. She was born to be a warlock and the expression of everything I love in WoW that is sneaky and underhanded and highly capable. She became my most lovely little carpet. At level 44 I still had never found the rotation and combination of skills and points and specialization that I could play that would keep her alive and make her dangerous. Her heirloom items have been sent to Sikko for safekeeping and she's no longer sitting there to remind me that WoW casters are a challenge and not as easy as warriors or death knights to balance and make dangerous.
The horde side characters were goblins and are gone. I still have Synnedagain and Freyaschild in Decadence, Inc. on Farstriders and I don't know what to do with them yet, so they're still there. I enjoy them and have never grown either one out of their 20's. In part because that server has always been too quiet for me and in part because the RP of the server has nothing to do with role play and everything to do with sex chat and elitism in the form of cliqueish cruelty, so it turns me off entirely.
I deleted a couple of random characters I knew nothing about or hadn't really invested much in, at least nothing I felt entitled to even log in and double check...
and I'm left with Sweetassyn, Julienne, Holle, Kabechet, Julienne and Sikko as Alliance characters. (That's not a typo, I "remade" Jules on another server to check it out and see if I can ever love the game the way I'd done for so long before by beginning again without all the past hurts and haunts of the previous character with the same name.)
So... two things occur before I'm done with this boring post. One is that I've figured out my malaise in the game and it was never "soloing" like I said it was. I like playing alone and frankly if I can't run with Chris from Akama then I'm not really interested in running with anyone at all because I find it distracting and often detrimental to getting what I need to get done accomplished to have to wait or share or try to understand other people's logic in questing and running around leveling skills/professions. It was the chatter that I missed. Decadence, Inc. was a lively guild and the constant chatter gave me something to feel connected to outside of the idiocy and inane crap in the trade and local chats.
The second thing is that without obligations I find I really love the game. Perhaps the lesson here is easier than I thought and what burned me out was the sense of obligation I felt to the people I was playing with that I didn't even really have fun playing side by side with. Without a dedicated group of friends looking for help with this or that thing, leadership in this pursuit or planning for this adventure I've found that I'm content to level and play.
Honesty isn't always sweet and fun.
I'm really falling in love with playing Jules2 in a guild full of lively strangers who all enjoy the game and make no requirements or pressures on me or how I play. Being estranged from them and not mother/sister/girlfriend/bestfriend to them I am also relieved of any real world pressures or political correctness that might apply so that I can walk away from situations shaking my head figuratively instead of feeling obligated to correct a misunderstanding or explain myself.
peace be the journey and if not peaceful then at least honest. above is a picture of Gilligan, a worgan who also ate the ether today and found herself disbursed.
Decadence, Inc. is a changed guild and one that is rarely active or hopping with any activity. And while I love solo playing and leveling, there comes a place where your own words sitting stagnant in the guild chat are simply too much to bear. All of the people I loved most and enjoyed seeing in the chat are long gone and I'd rather move to Levi Somnus and have the silence be a reflection of my space than hang out in a guild that still represents to me all of the strengths and sad truths of MMO gaming.
Soon I will say goodbye to the guild that taught me everything I ever really needed to know about me, about gaming and about loving other people for who they are without ever needing to know what they looked like.